The month of October is a really hard month for me. I am a really strong person and I have a strong faith...yet every year around this time I struggle. I lost two of the most important men in my life in the month of october, way before their time. They were both so young and had so much life left in them, yet God took them away from my family, from me. Today in Lifeteen we were talking about how great God is, and the whole time I was just thinking Why? Why is He so great? He took all these people away from me. They never got to see me grow up, they never got to see the rest of their grandchildren. My grandpas were two of the strongest men I knew, they were my rocks. Sure God has his reasons, but couldn't He have waited just a few years? I wasn't ready for them to go. It's been 11 years since Grandpa Schemmel passed, and I'm still not over it. I remember the phone call from my uncle saying that He passed right when we got home from visiting him for the last time. He was so happy and full of life when we left, that i couldn't imagine him not here.
During the program tonight, this was all I was thinking about. We were talking about letting go of the images and things that others want us to be, and to be free to be ourselves. With my grandpa in the back of my mind, I asked God to let me stop worrying about what others here think of me, stop changing who I am because of what others think I should be. Then I started thinking, what would my grandpa say if he were still alive? would he be proud to call me his granddaughter? And I realized, no matter what, that man would be the proudest man alive to have me as a granddaughter. I can see him telling all his friends about me, and my sister.
These were some of my thoughts as I sat in the church tonight, looking up occasionally in the presence of Jesus:
I miss you more than anything. I hope that you and grandpa sweet uncle carl and uncle warren and of course our little baby girl Sam are watching over all of us, and keeping us safe. I hope you fish with uncle carl and be the wonderful man who you were down here.
I remember you taking me fishing and being patient with me. I remember going to visit you and not going to say hi to anyone else until I found you. I remember you helping me climb the Looning Tree and I remember sitting on your lap driving the tractor. I'm your little country girl grandpa. I tell all the cousins tons of stories about you and letting them know that even though they never met you, you still love them more than anything.
Don't get me wrong I love God and my faith is so strong. But this is always a hard time, and in time God will show me why He did what He did. Everything happens for a reason.
Grandpa, you are my borrowed angel. I love you so much and I miss you every day. Thank you for helping me become the woman I am today.
10/24/2000
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